Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
