I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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