if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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