you lied. pity sex is amazing.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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