party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Can't talk, ducks in the car
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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