sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Floor bacon is actually really good
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
