I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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