life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
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