I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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