By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
