I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
she peed on how many people?
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
