guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Randomize
