Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
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