my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
