the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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