Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
