You really coming over, don't trick.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
