I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
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