Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
