broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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