Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
