rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
