I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
