areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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