If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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