nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
