Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
