I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
