you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
