I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
too bad you live with your parents still
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
