I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
