I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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