I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
