hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
