woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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