Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
