ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Randomize
