i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
