I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Randomize
