Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
