Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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