Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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