Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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