Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
