At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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