It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
