Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I forgot how hot balto sounded
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize