just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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