I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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