We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
