Where did you get a picture of my penis
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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