i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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