Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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