Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
