I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
