dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
So vagazzling was a success
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
