Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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