I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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