I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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