whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
