You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
